Grief before Death: Losing My Biological Father

Yesterday, April 24, 2021, my biological father died.  Unsurprisingly, I wasn’t stricken with a somber mood of grief but one of relief.  See, for me, I mourned for nearly 20+ years the loss of a living but inactive father.   This is not coming from a place of anger but acceptance.  Unfortunately, many people struggle with this idea because it goes against the traditional train of thought at times, the repressive construct of “that is still your daddy.”  Have we ever thought that parenting is a choice? 

You know, with the birth of my oldest daughter, this became a realization for me. My wife, at the time, was resting from just performing one of the many miraculous works of women, birthing a child while I complete paperwork.  It was literally in the midst of completing the paperwork that I understood that parenthood is truly a choice.   We choose their names, place our names on the birth certificates, provide a home, food, and so much more.   It is all a choice.   At that moment, my hurt and anger toward my birth father subsided.  I got it.  I accepted his decision to walk away from the family when he walked away from the marriage.  

I will never attempt to bash him by stating intimate details of my past hurts and/or attempts to reconcile. However, I will highlight the need to properly live a life free of unhealthy family dynamics.  We should never enlist in damaging practices for the sake of “just being family.”  Also, in this, we must realize that family is relative as well.   See, it was his family that justified many of his selfish and pernicious lifestyle choices. This same family celebrated his poor choices and benefited from his recklessness.   I was an afterthought when the well ran dry. 

See, this is when the unwanted pressure to provide for a person that could have literally let you die comes into play.  Here are the conversations about how it is important to be there because “he is still your daddy.” Here is also where we must be intentional and have the conversation with those who treasured him and state, “I didn’t have those experiences and/or emotions for this person, and choose not to participate.”

However, I will celebrate the amazing father he was in my life for six years.  I am grateful for those six years because I realize that some didn’t get that.   Love is balanced by openness and honesty.   Love provides a freeing openness that serves as a healing thought, experience, or encounter that releases all tension, doubt, fear, and uneasiness in our consciousness and opens our minds, bodies, and souls to receptivity and wholeness.  Love gives us the strength to have those much-needed conversations and to take the necessary actions to persevere.     Thank you, Alexander “Elick” Garnett, for laying the foundation.    Rest on.   Cheers to one of my happiest moments. 

Below, are a few healing forward tips:   

• Respect the decisions and choices of others.

• It is ok to cry and to cry as often as needed.

• Do not accept the responsibilities of other people’s actions.

• Do not censor your emotions.

• No one has jurisdiction over your happiness and peace.

• You can choose your family

• The community will provide what you are lacking. 

• If you have faith, hold on to it.

• Believe in yourself.

• Know your history and lineage for medical purposes.

• Explore your emotions and seek wise counsel.

• Control the controllables.

• Don't feel bad for not feeling bad.

• Your identity is not found in the poor decisions of others.

• You are love and loved.

J. Dwayne Garnett, BSRT, MHA, QP
Chief Executive Officer
Love Is A Parable
Available for Empowerment Speaking Engagements, Consultations, Uncovering Sessions, and Instruction.
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